Ma tête continue à me faire des feintes, à trouver plein d'objets de concentration et de focalisation autres, je connais Friends par coeur maintenant, il faut changer un peu, je prends l'habitude de regarder NCIS, moi qui ne suis en rien une enfant de la télé, c'est bien la première fois que je connais la chaîne et l'horaire d'un programme. Ou bien rien, ou bien un livre, que je finis vite, trop vite, je ne fais plus que ça, il ne dure pas, il m'empêche de dormir, me fatigue, je ne le laisse pas reposer et l'histoire s'épanouir dans ma tête. Alors je ne dois pas en reprendre un autre, et puis je finis bien par en trouver un.
Doublé d'un stade de mollusque avancé, vraiment, le corps et l'esprit dans un état non solide, une limace, un mouchoir en papier morveux et mouillé de larmes. Dans un état glissant, dégoulinant, geignant, chouinant, tellement que j'en ai fait peur à un lutin expatrié je crois. Et la non motivation, l'incapacité de se soulever soi-même, de venir à bout des choses, de décider quelles étaient les choses dont il fallait venir à bout. Je me suis dit qu'il devait avoir envie de me ficher des baffes, monsieur le docteur à oreilles. Et de la peur, des pleurs, irrépressibles, comme des crises d'angoisse difficilement appaisables, contrôlables. Au moment où l'on veut reposer le corps, et où la tête refuse de lâcher prise, de laisser passer la nuit et le lendemain venir.
Triplé de la loi de l'emmerdement maximum, comme dit Melle Moi. Des fois ça fait du bien d'enfermer les choses dans des mots, c'est drôlement soulageant de les circonscrire et de les détacher.
N'empêche : rentrant d'une après-midi d'aviron, je veux passer au supermarché acheter quelques yaourts que je sais manquer et remplacer une plaquette de chocolat que j'ai piquée de la réserve (secrète!) de mon père. A la caisse, 9 euros quelque chose, je fouille dans mon sac pour trouver mon portefeuille. J'en sors mon porte-monnaie, il n'y a pas assez, je replonge et farfouille pour trouver plus gros, ça commence à durer, c'est mon sac de sport, pas pratique pour y jeter un coup d'oeil, la fébrilité s'installe, ça attend derrière. Je fouille de plus belle, sortent à moitié ma polaire, mon collant noir, un tee-shirt mouillé de sueur, toujours pas d'argent. Je m'excuse pitoyablement, je n'ai pas mon portefeuille, je suis désolée, vraiment, excusez-moi, et je me précipite à la maison, inquiète de savoir si l'objet est là ou bien si je l'ai fait tomber au club, ou quelque part à Nogent... Non, il est bien dans mon sac à main, relatif soulagement, sauf que cela signifie que je suis partie sans, et que j'ai donc conduit la voiture sans permis. L'avouer à mon père sur son lit de mort peut-être. Je repars, reprends les mêmes articles exactement, me mets dans une file à l'autre bout du magasin pour ne pas tomber sur le même vendeur. J'avais pris avant les caisses rapides, se trouvent maintenant devant moi les courses de la semaine de la ménagère. J'attends presque un quart d'heure dans la queue, ce qui me laisse le temps de regarder de plus près le contenu de mon petit porte-monnaie, celui qui était déjà dans mon sac : et ben il y avait assez !
Emmerdement maximum, loi, la loi de l'emmerdement, maximum.
*
Doublé d'un stade de mollusque avancé, vraiment, le corps et l'esprit dans un état non solide, une limace, un mouchoir en papier morveux et mouillé de larmes. Dans un état glissant, dégoulinant, geignant, chouinant, tellement que j'en ai fait peur à un lutin expatrié je crois. Et la non motivation, l'incapacité de se soulever soi-même, de venir à bout des choses, de décider quelles étaient les choses dont il fallait venir à bout. Je me suis dit qu'il devait avoir envie de me ficher des baffes, monsieur le docteur à oreilles. Et de la peur, des pleurs, irrépressibles, comme des crises d'angoisse difficilement appaisables, contrôlables. Au moment où l'on veut reposer le corps, et où la tête refuse de lâcher prise, de laisser passer la nuit et le lendemain venir.
Triplé de la loi de l'emmerdement maximum, comme dit Melle Moi. Des fois ça fait du bien d'enfermer les choses dans des mots, c'est drôlement soulageant de les circonscrire et de les détacher.
N'empêche : rentrant d'une après-midi d'aviron, je veux passer au supermarché acheter quelques yaourts que je sais manquer et remplacer une plaquette de chocolat que j'ai piquée de la réserve (secrète!) de mon père. A la caisse, 9 euros quelque chose, je fouille dans mon sac pour trouver mon portefeuille. J'en sors mon porte-monnaie, il n'y a pas assez, je replonge et farfouille pour trouver plus gros, ça commence à durer, c'est mon sac de sport, pas pratique pour y jeter un coup d'oeil, la fébrilité s'installe, ça attend derrière. Je fouille de plus belle, sortent à moitié ma polaire, mon collant noir, un tee-shirt mouillé de sueur, toujours pas d'argent. Je m'excuse pitoyablement, je n'ai pas mon portefeuille, je suis désolée, vraiment, excusez-moi, et je me précipite à la maison, inquiète de savoir si l'objet est là ou bien si je l'ai fait tomber au club, ou quelque part à Nogent... Non, il est bien dans mon sac à main, relatif soulagement, sauf que cela signifie que je suis partie sans, et que j'ai donc conduit la voiture sans permis. L'avouer à mon père sur son lit de mort peut-être. Je repars, reprends les mêmes articles exactement, me mets dans une file à l'autre bout du magasin pour ne pas tomber sur le même vendeur. J'avais pris avant les caisses rapides, se trouvent maintenant devant moi les courses de la semaine de la ménagère. J'attends presque un quart d'heure dans la queue, ce qui me laisse le temps de regarder de plus près le contenu de mon petit porte-monnaie, celui qui était déjà dans mon sac : et ben il y avait assez !
Emmerdement maximum, loi, la loi de l'emmerdement, maximum.
*
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