Le docteur-qui-écoute m'écoute parler, ou avoir des gros blancs, et parfois je me demande bien à quoi ça sert. Je me souviens de temps en temps que j'ai pris des médicaments pendant un an, et ça me paraît dingue. Je me dis que ça doit sûrement aller un peu mieux puisque je ne les prends plus, mais quand même, à part ça, ça n'avance pas tellement. J'ai pas tellement l'impression de m'être améliorée ou d'avoir changé... C'est là tout l'intérêt de la citation "l'intelligence est un processus dynamique". Notre histoire, notre évolution est aussi un processus dynamique, dont à chaque instant t nous ne voyons et retenons que la phase finale, oubliant les étapes.
Des étapes qui me reviennent de temps en temps. Quand j'essaie de comprendre, avec des indices sur mon chemin, comme un jeu de piste, quel genre de relation j'avais avec la copine, l'amie dont j'ai parlé plus tôt, et que je ne veux plus voir.
Ca m'impressionne moi-même, et ce n'est pas toujours facile à avaler, mais enfin ça me montre aussi en quoi j'ai effectivement réellement pu évoluer, avancer, m'être libérée même peut-être et d'où me venait cette étrange sensation d'avoir drôlement grandi et de me tenir plus droite sur mes jambes, alors même que je me trouve toujours aussi lamentablement incapable de me mettre au travail, d'avoir du répondant ou de contrer mon insupportable esprit d'escalier (je devrais faire des phrases plus longues).
Des indices comme ça.
Et puis des discussions longues et pleines d'enseignements encore, pour en savoir plus, remonter les générations, comprendre de quoi on a bien pu hériter.
Et des théories qui s'échafaudent pour relier le tout parfois ! ô vision fulgurante, alors même que je suis sous ma couette dans une position très confortable, enfin au bord du sommeil ; je me dis je devrais la noter, mais mon corps n'a absolument pas l'intention d'autoriser le moindre mouvement. Tant pis, j'essaierai de retenir.
(presque) rien foutu aujourd'hui encore. mais s'autoriser au sommeil quand même. au moins.
*
Des étapes qui me reviennent de temps en temps. Quand j'essaie de comprendre, avec des indices sur mon chemin, comme un jeu de piste, quel genre de relation j'avais avec la copine, l'amie dont j'ai parlé plus tôt, et que je ne veux plus voir.
Ca m'impressionne moi-même, et ce n'est pas toujours facile à avaler, mais enfin ça me montre aussi en quoi j'ai effectivement réellement pu évoluer, avancer, m'être libérée même peut-être et d'où me venait cette étrange sensation d'avoir drôlement grandi et de me tenir plus droite sur mes jambes, alors même que je me trouve toujours aussi lamentablement incapable de me mettre au travail, d'avoir du répondant ou de contrer mon insupportable esprit d'escalier (je devrais faire des phrases plus longues).
Des indices comme ça.
Et puis des discussions longues et pleines d'enseignements encore, pour en savoir plus, remonter les générations, comprendre de quoi on a bien pu hériter.
Et des théories qui s'échafaudent pour relier le tout parfois ! ô vision fulgurante, alors même que je suis sous ma couette dans une position très confortable, enfin au bord du sommeil ; je me dis je devrais la noter, mais mon corps n'a absolument pas l'intention d'autoriser le moindre mouvement. Tant pis, j'essaierai de retenir.
(presque) rien foutu aujourd'hui encore. mais s'autoriser au sommeil quand même. au moins.
*
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